For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There r osticjed everywhere
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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