went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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