Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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