please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
