Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's shark week go big or go home
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
