I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
