i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
