mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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