I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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