I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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