Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
