You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
