This is not my ceiling
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Holy sore nipples Batman
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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