Pappa wants mamma naked
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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