6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
