Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
