My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
