so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
