She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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