Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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