Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
