i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
