I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
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I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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