batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
