Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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