eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
