just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
