I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
