While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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