Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
