My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
