You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
