i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
