the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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