last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
