How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
