I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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