I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
