It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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