Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
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i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction