Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?