Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza