The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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