So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
