Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dignity is for republicans.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
