last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
