You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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