i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
