billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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