I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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