I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm really busy with my period
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