I wish I only lived at night.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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