you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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