i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
