I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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