The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
