This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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