Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
