Moan for me like Helen Keller
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How does it feel to date your dad?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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