sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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